Femininity. Masculinity. Concepts.
At this point, I’m at the point in my journey as a woman where I’ve just accepted that all these words are made up concepts and learned behaviors. For some, femininity is empowering, especially if it is reaffirming of identified gender. For some, it is oppressive: a box, a label, a restriction. Regardless, gender performance. There’s a psycho-social concept for everything.
I would say that Dominican culture is pretty strict on femininity. I’m proud of those within the culture who are pioneers of a more liberal mindset, and I hope we all arrive there. I found a way to deconstruct those ideas within myself, and it’s not easy by any means.
For the most part though, Dominican womanhood has guidelines that are engrained from the way we style our hair, to the way that we walk, to the tone we use to speak to people. I don’t think that the guidelines are fair, and I don’t think that there’s any truth to them either. I’m not against those who subscribe to them. We get to choose our beliefs and that’s the beauty of life.
Internal Dialogue
In April 2021, I did the big chop. I didn’t go completely bald, but having long hair for most of my character development engrained it as a part of who I was. Sadly, I missed the first wave of big chops when we all realized that our cultural and gender norms were causing us harm. We made enemies of relaxers, flat irons, and hot combs all at once and suddenly haircuts that were double digit in cost became triple digit “curly cuts” (thanks to the capitalist response to revolution). At that point, I was scared to cut my hair.
“If I lose 10 pounds, I think it will fit my face.”
“I don’t want to lose my femininity”
“My ass isn’t fat enough for the bad bitch haircut”
“But everyone loves my hair. It’s growing out! I don’t need to cut it”
Repeatedly, I silenced myself because I thought what I wanted “wasn’t really me.” I thought I wasn’t edgy enough. I fabricated so many objections that had nothing to do with what I wanted and that were completely irrelevant. I noticed a pattern of wanting something that is clearly harmless, yet constantly talking myself out of it, and I began to notice it everywhere in my life.
Honesty
Do you realize that if you need to come up with so many objections in your mind as to why you shouldn’t do something, it may signal a clear passionate wanting to do it (take this lightly, please). Clearly, the things that I think about my hair, my body, my femininity are all untrue. I did the damn big chop and said fuck it to all my fears and insecurities and cut it. I haven’t had hair this short since I was a toddler.
Liberation
Everyone is right. It’s LIBERATING. I freed myself from socialized beliefs by simply deciding they there were based on nothingness. I comforted myself by reaffirming that I can rebrand at any point because my personality, character, and displayed image is a construction of small decisions and nothing more. It’s not permanent. Nothing about me is permanent. I can change anything.
I have the power power to rewrite the self that I present to the world, and I understand that what I present is always dependent on the beliefs that I hold in that moment. I can also revise those beliefs at any point, which is overwhelming to digest at first. I felt limitless. Honestly, like I could tattoo my face and die my hair pink too if I felt like it. Seemingly normal to some people, but risqué to me.
For anyone who has read a book like The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, you understand these concepts already. Therefore, you understand that my “normal” is my version of normal and that there is no such thing as absolutely right or absolutely normal. For anyone who is in disagreement, I respect it. Truthfully, I understand anyone who is skeptical.
Cutting my hair is revolutionary not only because it redefines femininity or culture to me, but because it shows me that change is possible and that the image of me as I know myself is never permanent. I can forgive myself and move on.
