The narrative on friendships is saturated with how to outgrow toxic, non-serving friendships. We fluently educate each other on how to set boundaries and protect ourselves, but I don’t think I’ve had anyone ever explain to me how to nourish, seek, and sit into new friendships.
We are more connected than any previous generation with at least 5 mainstream apps to maintain friendships, but we’ve experienced the most loneliness than our predecessors. Why? Besides being over stimulated, you probably don’t actually know what you like in a person. Or you may not entirely know yourself and that internal disconnect doesn’t allow you to connect with others. Maybe you’re just really shy and reserved. Regardless, it’s a weird time to make new friends, and we’re all on the same page about it. Nope, you’re not alone.
For me, it’s the anxiety of a failed friendship. I respectfully don’t want to break up with another friend in this lifetime. 2021 gave me the most graceful breakups. Subtle distance turned into silence that grew into acceptance. I didn’t reach out to a lot of people during the pandemic, and I can see the error in that. In my late teens/early twenties, so many of my habits were counterproductive to staying connected (barely reaching out, disappearing for months off social media, flaking on plans, not seeking new, exciting things to do, etc.) and at some point earlier this year, I realized that if I never changed that, I wouldn’t have the community that I wanted. Accountability is easier than external blame. How can I be better to invite community into my life? Flourishing and seeking new friendships this year was only easy after I learned two things: what do I actually like and how to say sorry. Simple.
We all want to enjoy the good parts, but we’ve lost grace in how we treat our friends. I saw a video recently that talked about how willing we are to hold space for forgiveness, accountability, and chances for our intimate partners, but we aren’t mindful that friendships have the same love language learning curve. Friendships and relationships are too similar for us to not hold them in the same regard: that beginning feeling of excitement of shared interests, wanting to share moments together, sending each other 10000 TikToks in a day, and hoping you’re going to receive the same energy you put in. It’s the same as a relationship. The same love languages apply.
If you’re at the place in life where you’re open to new friendships, but don’t know how to navigate that, I challenge you to keep these things in mind:
Be mindful of your language. When you’re making new friendships, are you spending the majority of your time recapping the last 72 hours, or are you sharing language on shared interests? Yes, share your lived experience with others, but don’t monopolize the conversation with a story that you’ve probably told before. Seek friends who like what you like so that the conversation and routine stays vibrant. It really could be as simple as shared interests in cuisines, industry, type of activities, shows, books, movies, etc.
Stop relying on comfort and proximity to decide who your friends are for you. I know you’re shy, but suck it up. I’m sorry, but on this earth as long as we live in a capitalist society, closed mouths do not get fed. Without organized schooling or work environments, how do you expect to meet new people unless you put yourself out there? School + work is proximity convenience. Yes, we love them, but throw yourself in new environments, virtually and in real life. You don’t have hobbies or interests? Good, go experiment. DM someone and ask them to go with you. Go be embarrassed together.
Bring people close to you who allow you to evolve and forgive the older versions of you. We are never completed. Finding yourself is not a destination, it is a lived experience. This shit can be messy, chaotic, and emotionally violent. You’re trying to make something out of yourself in a world that commodifies you and assigns you value based on made up concepts. And so is everyone else. Have some grace. For real. The same expectations you are expecting from a friend, ask yourself: am I providing the same? Do my expectations allow room for error? How does accountability look like in my friendship in a kind way? People fuck up. Truthfully, we should stop going into situations expecting to never be bothered. The older we get, the harder that is. You become more attached to your values, have stricter boundaries, and are more critical as you start to make bigger decisions. That’s okay. Set your standards for your friendship, communicate them early, and allow space for discussion for when your standards aren’t met.
It’s okay to be anxious about making new friends. We know that social media is performative and curated. We are all suffering. No you’re not alone, relax. What’s so beautiful about age is that everyone after the age of 23 is on the brink of chaos and is experiencing the same feelings of curiosity, time anxiety, regret, loss, and the craving for thrilling joy. We’re all nervous about the same things. We all care about having thriving careers, stacked accounts, and not feeling alone. So, put yourself out there. Don’t feel the need to perform excellence to attract friends.
Be open, but not in a trauma bonding way. Find ways to relate to present and future concepts, not just what you’ve both been through. This isn’t easy. It’s easier to relate on sharing the similarities in the lives you lived separately. What’s harder but more rewarding is creating new, fresh memories together.
Be intentional about pace. Friendships as an adult are harder because we lose the flexibility and forgiveness that is easier when you’re a kid. Our threshold for mistakes gets lower and lower. Keep the threshold that feels good for you, but actually take the time to get to know people before befriending so closely. This doesn’t mean have walls, restrictions, or reservations. It means take your time.
I’m far from an expert, but I made incredible friends this year because I changed the way I react to things, change the way I communicate, and invited kind accountability into my life. I know being vulnerable is uncomfortable, but so is loneliness.
