I haven’t written a post since April when I returned from Guatemala, and that’s mostly because I have been enjoying the fruits of my labor. Sometimes, we think hard work will yield something tangible. We have been conditioned to think of things in an input-output framework of mind, but that’s not always how internal work looks. The rewards and results of internal self work are often invisible, and only show up in those small moments of reflection and decision making.
Willpower, focus, determination, intentional decision making, confidence, honesty, accountability: they all come from internal work. Hard, laborious work. Letting go of pride, taking accountability for how you made someone feel, setting boundaries, being vulnerable: these all take serious work to accomplish and you don’t realize you’ve done all that work until you’re presented with an opportunity to make decisions, set boundaries, or communicate. So yes, often invisible on a regular day, but I am very particular now to giving myself credit for investing in becoming a better version of myself.
I say Guatemala changed me so much because something about being there aligned me. It was one of the first times I felt like I was in clear communication with the universe. “Ask and you shall receive,” they said, but it was the first time I experienced it in real time. I asked the universe for a kinder internal dialogue, more clarity on my needs and wants, more confidence, and more people around me who I can learn from, be inspired by, and experiment with. I felt judgy watchful eyes on me prior, and it’s hard to put yourself out there when you have in your mind that it’s not being welcomed. Fuck that.
It turned out that the eyes were my own. They way I was thinking about myself and talking myself out of things that I wanted to do was sad and absurd. Through socialization, we acquire a negative self talking voice in our minds that we claim are external, but it’s truly fabricated. While I was traveling the first half of the year, I was alone with my internal dialogue a lot and I realized how mean I am to myself but why? Like how are you rude and sarcastic and sassy to yourself in your own mind? How can you grow, pour into yourself, and evolve if your own mind is unsafe and that’s the workplace? Right.
Be kind to yourself. Watch how you talk to yourself and about yourself. Learn to love yourself from more than one angle, not just your good side.
Take yourself somewhere today. Those positive affirmation talks aren’t crap, they actually work. Telling yourself that you are beautiful, worthy, rich, joyous, growing, evolving, trying, and able will make all the difference. The difference between present you and future you is simply faith.
