Every year, the red and orange that signifies autumn turns on the same light inside of me. The same reflective energy that brings the same questions to my mind. How was this time different? How did I do this year?
To be fair, it’s hard to correct something that you don’t know that you’re doing wrong. It’s hard to reflect without having the right tools. I’ve been reading Will Smith’s memoir and it made me realized something so utterly important: I need to get the hell out of this city for a day. I love watching how transplants are so moved by this maze and damn near escape room of a city, but for someone who has grown up here for all 25 years of life, it’s nice to leave once in a while (often).
I drove up to Beacon, NY for that small town, main character energy. I wanted to see mountains, leaves, trees, and people walking around carrying coffee cups in sweatshirts and Patagonia vests. I live in Brooklyn, so I technically didn’t need to go that far to achieve this, but I honestly wanted crisp air. I read memoirs because it reminds me of our synchronous humanity. It shows me that although my existence is the most unique point of time to ever exist, we all align at some point with the same thought process, decision making, and emotions. The crisp air reminds me of this humanity.
It reminds me that outside of the turmoil in my mind making decisions on what I should eat, what I should wear, how I should wear my hair, there is really only one singular job that I have that is most crucial to my survival: breathing. One good deep breath, unclench your cheeks, drop your shoulders, roll the neck, and take a second. It’s less about mindfulness and more about fullbodiness. How do you sit in your body on the regular basis. Breathe. Take a deep breath, are you tense? Breathe.
We drove up with no plans really. I wanted to go to the Dia Museum, but tickets were sold out when we got there. Instead, we went to Hudson Tacos for a breathtaking view of the mountains from your seat and honestly some of the best tacos that I’ve ever had. They had loaded guac…loaded with CRAB. I was definitely impressed. We got dirty chai lattes from the Flour Shoppe and walked through a park to encounter an extremely energized dog that I was convinced would eat my foot. She only wanted to play. We enjoyed watching the flow of the water, the breeze of the hill top of this park, and the crunch of leaves that prompted deep breaths. These day trips are for very specific reminders to myself: my life is abundant, I have agency over where I am at any point, I can choose to enter and exit any space when I want to, and the world is bigger than the walls of my apartment and the corners of my neighborhood.
We went to a record store and was full of joy by sharing something that is a global love: music. We browsed a plant store and bought absolutely nothing because each plant was 40+ dollars not including the pot. Admiring is possible without acquiring.
Every year, I’m shocked at how many people I gain and lose by the holidays. I make a mental note of who I need to buy gifts for and who I would like to call. This year the list is especially short because of how isolated I was. Not intentionally, but as a response to my needs. Reading Will Smith’s words on abundance, validation, love, faith, and connection appeased any sadness that came from this realization because I saw that there may be fewer people, but each of those who stayed around this year has loved me unconditionally and helped me become better. They helped me walk through the corners of my mind that I’ve avoided and help my confront feelings of abandonment and discontent. You are loved.
We all want to be loved. To be loved, you must give love. Giving love is a laborious deed that should be done with pure love, not obligation. Remember that especially when you are in a space of people that you don’t want to be around. Like I said: my life is abundant, I have agency over where I am at any point, I can choose to enter and exit any space when I want to, and the world is bigger than the walls of my apartment and the corners of my neighborhood.
In case anyone was curious about the dog that wanted my foot.